Friday, November 9, 2012

Update

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long.  As some of you already know, my parents were both killed in an accident on Sunday October 21st.  They were hit by a truck full of sheep, and died instantly.  It's hard not to interpret that metaphorically.

Things have been hard since then.  I was extremely close with both of my parents (I saw them last jut a few weeks ago at yom Kippur), but especially my mother.  My boyfriend used to tease me about how often we spoke...he used to call her "BFF Mommy", and it's true, she really was among my very best friends.  In a way, it makes it easier.  I know for so many people, when people die, there's so much guilt about "what could have been", but I don't really have any of that.  There was nothing unresolved.  I had the best parents in the world for 34 years, which is a lot more good parenting than most people get.

Some things I have learned:

1) I think I'm a polytheist now.  In an attempt to escape for a few hours, I got high with my borther and my friends after the funeral.  Turns out, I really can't do drugs recreationally.  I had a very powerful vision quest, during which many of the gods I work with, particularly Mercury, Ishtar, Tiamat/Lilith (in the vision, those are the same?), and several others showed up to tell me how much they love me, and how they're "there to help me".  The Hebrew God made a brief appearance, but then He hid His face and left.  So, fuck Him.

2) Having a pre-existing relationship with a psychopomp made this easier.  I think I understand the draw of religion now, but during none of this did I feel the impetus to worship anything.  I put Mercury dimes on my parents' eyes when we cremated them, and on more than one occasion  (particularly during aforementioned spirit journey) it has been helpful to remind myself that I paid the ferryman.

3) I'm so glad that I'd gotten back into a regular meditation practice this summer (Thanks Jason Miller!).  I'm pretty sure it's what's keeping me from totally loosing it.  I don't know how muggles deal with this sort of thing.

4) OTOH, I keep feeling a little guilty that I'm not falling apart and going mad.  My mother cried at sad movies. Hell, my mother cried at sappy Kodak commercials.  She used to always tease me about that fact that I didn't.  Probably because I'm a heartless monster.  Maybe she was right?  I mean, I am very sad, but I'm surprisingly coping.  Is that ok?

5) During the spirit journey, I climbed the Tree of Life, and made it much higher than I previously had. I made it to Tipheret with few problems, backslid some, but eventually made it to Chesed (where I've been before, but just barely). It was easier than usual...the veils were thin or whatever. I sat there for a while.  Then, I was like "fuck the abyss; I miss my Mommy", so I packed up my camel and went across.  That was brain-hurty, and I'm still processing it.  Is that the so-called "ninth gate"?  Because it was awesome and terrible and sad and joyful and confusing.  So, if anyone has some advice about that, that would be cool.

I'm going to try to get back to doing some regular working again next week, but I don't know if I'm up for it or not.  Everything seems very hard right now, and I'm tired all the time.

No comments:

Post a Comment