Mary Rite to Fix the Papal Election

The goal of this ritual is to influence the selection of the next Pope.  The ritual is best performed on Ash Wed (Feb 13th) 2013.  You DO NOT need to be Catholic, or even to believe in the existence of Jesus or Mary to work this ritual.  The writer of this ritual, for example, is a Jewish Witch.  It calls upon the power of Divine Love to soften the hearts of the cardinals, and incline them toward choosing a Pope who is also inclined toward Love.  Within the ritual, the current of Loving Compassion (called “chesed” in Hebrew) is personified as Mary, because we believe that it is in that form that Love has the best chance of entering the hearts of the cardinals.  Whether you believe Mary is the Mother of God or whether you think of her as only an astral-form we’re sending to the cardinals is entirely irrelevant to the efficacy of the ritual.  All that’s important is that you imagine Love filling their hearts and guiding their choices.

Supplies:

You will need a seven day jar candle.  An Immaculate Heart of Mary candle is best (these can be found in the hispanic section of most large grocery stores), but a plain white candle will work.  If your candle does not have an image on it, please print the image above and tape it to the candle.  It is this face of Divine Love that we are trying to send to the cardinals speak with them.  If, for whatever reason, you cannot use a candle, simply focus on the image.

Face toward Rome.

Close your eyes, and concentrate on breathing slowly and deeply.  As you become more and more relaxed, you will begin to feel all the tension leave your body.  As you breathe in, imagine you can feel the healing and nourishing oxygen permeating every cell in your body.  As you breathe out, feel all the toxins and waste leave your body.  The more deeply you breathe, the more relaxed you become.  The more relaxed you become, the better it feels.  The better it feels, the deeper you go.

As you feel yourself relaxing, imagine that you can feel your body clicking into place, aligning itself in all the right ways.  If you need to move around to find the right position, do that.  As you breathe in,   Imagine what it would feel like for your breath to flow throughout your body unimpeded.  As you breathe in, feel the healing, nourishing breath fill your whole body like a balloon.  As you breathe out, let of all your tension and worries.  Right now, the only thing you have to think about is your breath.

Imagine a soft, warm rain falling on you, washing away any tension or troubles, healing and enlivening you wherever it touches.  Feel the warm water coursing over you, relaxing you even further.  

With your next breath in, imagine the breath entering through the top of your head.  It might appear as a gentle, white light.  If you don’t see anything, that’s ok too.  Whether you see it or not, you can feel the healing nourishing life force gently entering you with your breath.  You can feel it running through you like a gentle stream, washing away any impediments in a gentle flow of light and air.  It draws every toxin from your body, it washes clean every sin. You are emptied of fear, doubt, pain, and regret.

Below you, imagine the water exit your body through your anus, taking with it every impurity and illness, every fear, doubt, pain, and regret.  The fluid light continues to pour into you, enlivening awakening and empowering your whole body.  You can feel yourself alight with the crystalline energy of the stars.

When you feel fully empowered, move your mind from the flowing light to your heart, and feel it pool there, filling your heart with the scintillating light of the heavens.  The flow doesn’t stop, just because you’ve taken your attention from it.  It is always pouring into you, whether you notice you not.  The heavens shine all the time, whether we’re paying attention or not.  

When you have felt your heart fill up with the light of the stars, turn your attention below.  Extend roots down from your feet like a tree, sinking deeper and deeper into the earth.  The ground grows warm, and begins to glow red.  Continue to sink, deeper and deeper, into the warm red Heart of the World.  Feel the heartbeat of Mother Earth, warm and strong and alive.  Feel that warm red energy travel up your roots, up your legs, easing away every care until you can barely feel your legs.  Feel it travel up, up, up your spine, the Heart of World and your own heart beating as one.  Feel the power, strength, and surety of Mother Earth.  Feel her fierce and tender love.  Feel it run up, up, up through your throat, through your head, gushing up like a great fountain, erupting like a volcano of power, burning away any dross, corrosion, or infection it touches.  Feel the warmth seep into your whole body, awakening and empowering you.  You can feel yourself glowing with the Love of Mother Earth, her heart beating with yours.  

When you feel fully empowered, turn your attention to your heart, and feel the firey love of Mother Earth mingle there with the Love of the Heavens.  The warmth and the heart beat continue, even when you stop paying attention to them.  Mother Earth’s heart and yours were always one, you just had to remember to feel it.  

The fire and water sizzle and hiss when they meet, transforming into a golden glow that shines about of your heart.   With your hands held out to your side, palms facing front, open the eyes in the palms of your hands, feel the golden glow shooting forth from your hands.  The three beams of light meet, forming a thick beam of golden light.  Read the following aloud:

Mother of Divine Compassion, we call upon your immaculate heart:

Cardinals have gathered in Rome.

Awaken their hearts to love.

Whisper in the dreams.  Speak to their souls.  Make answer to their prayers.

Tell them to choose in love.

Tell them to choose for love.

Tell them to choose love.

Choose love.

Love.

Making Copper Wands

I explained making stick wands last time; today I'm going to teach you how to make copper wands.  Unlike wooden wands, which (to me) feel as though they supply a steady flow of energy, copper wands have a more crackly electric feel to them.  Because I use copper and sea water, mine have a very venereal feel to them, and are great for healing and love magic.  Remember, at every step of the construction, you should be pouring energy into the wand.  I pre-consecrate the crystal and the water before I use them.

I make mine with 3/4 inch copper pipe. If you have big hands, you might like 1 inch pipe better.  Any hardware store will cut pipe to length for you.  Be sure to examine the pipe to make sure you get a part without marks on it.  Personally, I like my wands to be just long enough to go from my elbow to my finger tips, but experiment with different lengths to find what feels right to you.  Many people think mine are "too long".  After you get your pipe cut, you'll also want an end cap, a coupling and some two-part epoxy.  If you want the copper to look green and aged, you'll also want steel wool and muriatic acid.

You'll also want a quartz (or other crystal of your choice) point.  I like plain clear quartz, but rose quart is also nice, and adds to the Venus energy.  I am also fond of amethyst in copper wands.  Try to find a stone that just barely fits inside the pipe, without "wiggle room".  We'll epoxy it in, so it doesn't need to fit perfectly, but the closer it fits, the better it will look.  Finally, this project will require some salt, some water and a funnel.  I use sea water, but you can use any kind.  Take everything home and get started.

Mix a small amount of epoxy and glue the cap onto the end of your pipe.  If you are going to antique your wand, scratch up the pipe with steel wool.  Mix the acid half and half with water and spray the wand with it (do this outside).  Coat it in salt, and let it sit outside in the sun for at least one full day (or until the look you want is achieved.) Remember to antique the coupling at the same time.  If desired, you can coat it in spray varnish.  (You can also antique your wand after it is complete, but be careful not to get acid on the epoxy that holds the crystal in.

Carefully, epoxy the crystal into the coupling.  The crystal should extend no more than halfway into the pipe, but enough to be stable.  Make sure the epoxy forms a solid wall around the crystal; it needs to be water tight.  Be sure to clean off any epoxy that gets onto the outside of the coupling.  Let the epoxy dry.

The next step is easier if you can get someone to help you by holding the wand still while you pour.  Mix some heavily salted water in a cup, ideally one with a pouring spout. You may want to use sea water or other water that is special to you.  Even if you use sea water, you'll want to add extra salt.  Natural sea salt with lots of stuff in it is best, but any salt will do. The salt acts to increase the conductivity of the water and also to prevent things from growing in it.  We're going to enclose the water in a dark place for a long time; fresh water can get nasty.  You can add any magical extracts, salts, or oils you want to the water, but I avoid adding particulate matter like whole herbs.  I usually make mine with water from a local body of water (nowadays, that means the Long Island Sound).

Mix a small amount of epoxy, and coat the inside of the coupling.  Carefully pour the water into the pipe, getting it as full as possible.  Slide on the coupling, it should fit tightly.  If it does not, apply a small amount some epoxy to the joint seam. Carefully wipe away any epoxy that oozes out.  Allow the epoxy to completely dry.  Once you think it's all dry, shake it around to make sure no water comes out.

Some people object to the epoxy around the crystal, claiming that the artificial plastic nature of it "impedes the flow" of energy.  That has not been my experience.  Even if you think plastic wands can't work (and you are wrong), in this case, the crystal makes direct contact with the pipe on the edges and with the salt water inside, forming a complete circuit from hand to pipe to water to crystal to air.

Making Stick Wands

I love making magical tools, amulets, and other items.  I enjoy the magic of it, but I also like the physical crafting.  I'm going to start writing how-to's about the things I make.

Many people will tell you that you have to make your own magical tools.  That's not true; I've purchased tools made by other people, and they were perfectly adequate.  However, I like to do what I call "consecration by design", where I weave the magic into the item as a I craft it.  That being said, it's more important that tools be well-made than it is that you make them yourself.  I certainly don't, for example, forge my own knives.

I've made many kinds of wands over the years.  Copper wands, lathe-turned wood wands, wands made from giant antique cast iron keys, wands made from lead solder wrapped around a stone core, and many others.  My favorite kind is the most simple, and the first kind I made, stick wands.  These are wands that remain visually and energetically close to the tree that grew them.  Rather than being carved out of larger pieces of wood, they remain approximately the same size they were when they grew; you know, sticks.  Because of this, the grain (ie, the vascular structure of the tree) serves to support the movement of energy through the wand.

The first step in making a wand like this is to take a walk in the woods, and ask the spirits to help you find the right stick.  If there is a particular woods that you have a connection with, it's best to go looking there.  Take a small hacksaw with you.  I  keep one like this in my car in case I happen to find a good stick when I'm out.  Lots of people only gather sticks for wands at certain astrologically significant times, but I just do it whenever I happen to be in the woods and find the right stick.  Also, sometimes people who know I like to make wands will give me cool sticks they find.  The stick for the wand above was found by my father, for example.  It's from a quince tree around which morning glories grew.

Sometimes, you'll find the right stick on the ground, but other times it's still attached to the tree.  If it's still on a tree, you should ask the tree's permission to cut it off.  I leave a dollar bill or a piece of candy or something at the foot of the tree in compensation.  (I know those seem like strange presents for a tree, but I don't always intend to find a wand when I go out, so the choices are limited to whatever I happen have on me; it's the thought that counts.)

I, personally, believe that, for magical tools, function and form are closely united.  Different kinds of sticks will produce different kinds of wands.  For most applications, you'll want a straight, strong, slightly tapered stick about as long as your arm from elbow to fingertips.  This sort of wand is good for straight-forward operations.  It will produce a strong, tight flow of energy directly from you into the world, without "coloring" the energy too much.  A wand made from a stick that's been "aged" on the forest floor will give a slower, steadier stream of energy, while a green stick can be more "impulsive" when it's new.  Green sticks are also harder to work with in a mundane sense.

Twisted, gnarled roots, especially from trees that have been hit by lightening or blown over by a wind storm, make excellent blasting rods, full of elemental power.  My old favorite blasting wand, which I have passed on to a friend (in the picture at left), was made from the root of an oak tree from Frick Park that had been toppled by a lightening strike.  I'm making a new one from the root of a poplar tree that blew over in a graveyard.  Honestly, though, I very rarely use blasting rods these days, but they're just so cool looking!

The wand pictured at the top is made from what I call a "twisty stick".  When a vine grows around a tree (usually this will eventually kill the tree), the wood grows around the vine, producing the twists you can see in the picture.  Sticks like this can be hard to find, but once you find a grove with one, there will usually be many.  It's just a matter of finding where the right kind of vine grows.  (The vines themselves grow in amazing twisty loops, but they're not stable/solid enough to make wands from.  They're too brittle when dry.)  These sort of wands are good for more subtle purposes like conjuration.  I imagine the energy channeled through them as spiraling, and so good for "drilling through" things.

I, personally, don't usually give much thought to what sort of tree it is, although I am especially fond of oak trees.  In general hard woods (wood from deciduous/flat leafed trees) is better than soft (coniferous/evergreen) woods, but that's purely because they tend to have prettier grain patterns. There's no magical reason (that I know). If you have a magical connection to pine, for example, go for it.  Contrary-wise, if you've very into the magical associations of plants, than maybe you should be careful to take wood from the "right" kind of tree for whatever application.  Also, some kinds of work call for certain kinds of wands.  (almond and hazel, for example, in the grimoirum)

Once you've found the right stick, take it home. If it came off a living tree, it will be best to let it sit for a week or two to dry out.  Spend some time handling your stick.  Find the most comfortable spot to hold it.  For most purposes, it is better to have the handle end of the wand on the part of the stick that was closer to the roots.  Cut it to the right length, and cut off any smaller branches that stick out.

Wash off any loose dirt, and take it outside.  The next step is messy; do it outside (or elsewhere you don't mind making a mess).  With a box cutter, or other thin-bladed knife, peel off all the bark that will come loose.  Try not the slice the wood at all.  Some kinds of trees, the bark will peel right off, and some it won't.  If it won't peel off, that's ok.  We'll sand it off later.

Go to the hardware store and buy a variety pack of sandpapers.  DON'T cheap out and buy the discount dollar store kind.  It doesn't work.  Starting the the coarsest sandpaper, slowly smooth off all the bark.  Use long, slow, strong strokes, from the handle end to the tip end.  This is important!  Don't sand backwards (unless you have to at some points).  Think about how you'll use the wand as you do, and imagine energy flowing through it.  You'll want to wash it from time to time.

Slowly step through the various sand papers, until you get to a very fine-grained sand called "finish paper".  The stick should be very, very smooth at this point.  I like to run it across my lips to make sure there's no rough spots.  I don't recommend doing all the sanding at once.  I would say that I spend a total of about 10 hours sanding a wand, usually spread over at least a week.  This is an important step; the constant rubbing "teaches" the wand which way the energy flows.

Once you've completely sanded it, and its velvety smooth, wash it lovingly in warm soapy water, and let it completely dry overnight.  For the next step, you'll need paper towels, a small shallow bowl, and at least an ounce of magical oil.  Wear a shirt you don't mind staining, or just forgo a shirt entirely   You want to match the type of oil to the purpose of the wand.  For an "all purpose" wand, I might use van van.  For the conjuring wand above, I use Abramelin and King Solomon oils.  For a blasting rod, I might use High Altar Oil, or just blessed olive oil.  Pour the oil into the dish, and dip your fingers into it.

Slowly, rub the oil into the wand.  Always run from the handle to the point.  Imagine the oil sinking into the wood, impregnating it with its magical essence.  The wood will slowly soak up the oil.  Depending on the type of wood, the weather, and how dry it is, you can get a surprisingly amount of oil to soak in.  Spend at least an hour lovingly rubbing and polishing your wand.  (ha ha)  Try to commune with the spirit of the wand, and learn its name.

I'm not going to recommend it as a general practice, but I have "oiled" certain kinds of wands inside my body.  If you're going to do that, use lots of olive oil, cocoa butter, or some other pure, non-toxic, non-perfumed oil as a lubricant.  Also, make sure you did a really good job sanding.  ;)  If you're going to do this, think first about whether you want to put in the handle end or the point.  If you can't figure out why it matters (energetically), then sticking a magic wand up your twat might be a little "beyond your degree".

After you've finished oiling your wand, let the wand sit for at least an hour (but several days is fine) to let as much oil as possible soak in, and then rub off any excess oil.   I re-oil my wands from time to time.  More oil sinks in every time, leaving the wand even smoother and smelling lovely.

If desired, you can paint, carve or burn magical symbols onto your wand.  I'd do that before I oiled them.  I mostly don't do so, but that's just because I like the way the wands look plain.  I used to make very elaborately painted ones.  I'll see if I can hunt down a photo of one.

Geothermal Invocation

Lately, I've been cold inside; its like my internal fires are starting to dim.   It might be the grief, it might be the weather, it might be the bronchitis (probably it's a combination of all three), but I don't like it.

I recently acquired a mala (Buddhist rosary) made out of lava rocks.  Here's a picture of one like mine.  I'm using it to invoke the fires deep inside the earth.  I haven't done it enough yet to really know if it's working or not, but here's the invocation I've been using.  I recite it 108 times, using the beads to keep count. (Which, after all, is what mala/rosaries are for.)  I've been wearing it much of the time.


Fire of the earth, warm my bones.
Fire of the mountains, warm my heart.
Volcano stones, remind me.

UPDATE: It's working.

Thanksgiving

CONTEXT for new readers:  I wrote this post on Nov 21, 2012.  On October 21, 2012, my beloved parents were killed in a car accident.
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Until very recently, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday.  (Except for Halloween, and Purim, which are also my favorite holidays.  Mostly I just like holidays.)  Thanksgiving was a big deal at my late parents' house.  Many years we had more than 25 people for dinner.  Most of the year, my late mother wasn't really a very good cook, but she was the Queen of Thanksgiving.  She made the most amazing turkey and stuffing.  Here is a "recipe".

Ellen Mastros's Thanksgiving Turkey and Stuffing

Before the Big Day:

1) Save all the ends from every loaf of bread all year in the freezer.  Raid day-old bread section of grocer.  You will require about 5 loaves bread, in total.  The more varieties, the better.  Also, the crustier the better.
2) Buy the largest turkey you can find.  In case an army shows up, you should be ready to feed them!

Wednesday:
3) Argue with Husband about food-safety issues surrounding defrosting poultry on the counter vs. in the fridge.
3) Wed night, rip up all the bread into small pieces.  Use every bowl/platter in the house to place bread on counter to air dry overnight.  Argue with Husband concerning whether or not this will draw mice.  "On Thanksgiving, even mice should eat!"

Thursday:
4) Thursday morning:  Awaken "early" (ie, before 10am).  Grumble.
5) In largest sauce pan (usually reserved for spaghetti sauce), melt 3 sticks of butter.  Argue with Daughter about whether this is enough butter.  Daughter will add extra stick of butter while you aren't looking.
6) Husband, who has been up for hours, returns from the office, singing Zippity Doo Dah.  Send him to grocery store for something not needed in order to avoid people who are happy to be awake before 10am.  Grumble.
7) Chop 3 onions, 1 head celery, 6-9 apples into small pieces.  Chop extra apples because Daughter keeps filching apple pieces.
8) Sautée celery and onions in butter until translucent.
9) Debate relative merits of raisins vs dates with Husband.
10) Add apples and about 4 Tbsp McCormic poultry seasoning.  Argue with Daughter about whether this is enough poultry seasoning.
11) Turn your back on the pan.  Daughter will add more poultry seasoning without your approval.
12)  Add apples, onions, raisins, AND dates to butter mixture.  Sautée until onions are golden.
13) Muse on the relative merits of walnuts vs pecans.  Pro walnuts:  They are better than pecans.  Pro pecans:  Daughter and her bff used all the walnuts making baklava yesterday, and so Husband must be sent to store again to get more walnuts.  Wait...  That seems like pro-walnuts.
14) Discover Daughter was right, and melt additional stick of butter.  Mix with butter/spice mix.
15) Mix butter mixture into bread.  Use hands.  This is messy.  Pretend you hate the mess, but secretly lick butter mixture off your fingers when you think no one is looking.
16) Wait for Husband to return with walnuts.  He has also bought 4 kinds of cheese, 3 types of olives, and some weird gourmet poultry seasoning.  Hide this seasoning in the back of the pantry, and use McCormick brand poultry seasoning.
18) Add walnuts to mixture.  Wet stuffing with turkey broth until it is sticky enough to mold.  Chastise Daughter for playing with her food while praising her elaborate stuffing structures.  Husband adds more poultry seasoning while you are distracted by stuffing architecture.
19) Have Husband remove giblet sack from turkey, because raw turkey is gross.  Husband complains that turkey is still frozen inside.  Remind him that someone told him it would not thaw sufficiently in fridge.  Fill turkey with very hot water several times to defrost from within.
20) Drop turkey on floor.  Swear Daughter to secrecy concerning this.
21) Manhandle turkey into large roasting pan with cover.  Reminisce about how Son used to hide in the empty roaster and pop out to scare people when he was very little.
22) Remove turkey from roasting pan because you forgot to stuff it.  Drop turkey on floor.  Swear Daughter to secrecy concerning this.
23) Why are there two #3s and no #17?  You just always have to be right, don't you?!?!  Remember the spoons!  (*)
24) Stuff turkey.  Compact stuffing as much as possible, so that the maximum amount will fit inside.
25) Preform 6-dimension Time-Lord magics to ensure 3 gallons of stuffing fit inside 1 gallon bird.
26) Manhandle bird into roaster.  Add about 2 cups turkey broth (Daughter recommends apple cider!) to bottom of pan.
27) Have Husband put roaster in oven, because it is too heavy.  He will remark that oven door seems slightly broken.  Remind him that he's been promising to fix that for six years.
28) Bake at 200' for 6 hours.
29) During this time, occasionally remove lid to "baste" (this is a technical culinary term, which means "filch crunchy stuffing bits from the edges of the pan").  Add more broth or apple cider if dry.  Husband should cavort around the house "helping" and singing "It's beginning to smell a lot like Turkey!" (to tune of "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas")
30) Remove turkey from oven.  Drop hot roaster on floor.  Swear Daughter to secrecy.  Small burn mark on cork remains as evidence.  "That's just the natural variation in the cork!  It's a beautiful and eco-friendly material!"
31) Husband carves turkey while Daughter filches stuffing and Sisters debate relative merits of various cream-cheese to celery application strategies.

(*) It's an inside joke in our family.  Did you know that silverware sets come with twice as many teaspoons as other things?  My mother did.

Left to right: Linda Hart, my mother's youngest sister.  Linda's daughter, Lea.  She's all grown up and getting married Dec 16, 2023!  My late father, Mike Mastros, of blessed memory.  My late mother, Ellen Halbert, of blessed memory.  Me.  I think the grey hair in the foreground is my late Uncle Phil, of blessed memory.  

Magic Kingdom

As a result of my parents' death, my brother and I now own several apartment buildings and rental garages.  The magic below is aimed at keeping them safe, well-managed, and profitable.

----

At the hour of Mercury, on the day of Jupiter, I write these words, and they become true.

My estate grows bountiful, prosperous, and well-managed.

My tenants are happy, healthy, well-employed and responsible. 

They pay their rent on time, and keep their spaces in good repair.

I construct a servitor, Estalwen Manethor, who protects my properties and estates, my investments, and my business.  Estalwen Manaethor flies about Lancaster, overseeing my properties, keeping them safe from harm, harm from outside or harm from within.  He protects those who live within them; they are healthy and employed, they pay their rent without incident, their homes are safe and orderly.  All these things Estalwen Manethor does for me, in my name, and by my word.

A spirit of the air, Estalwen Manethor is clever and quick.  A spirit of the heavens, Estalwen Manethor is regal and bold.  A spirit of the earth, Estalwen Manethor is strong and solid.  A spirit of the fire, Estalwen Manethor is eager and brave.  A spirit of the waters, Estalwen Manethor is flexible and creative.  Estalwen Manethor partakes of all the elements, and brings all forces to bear to work my will.  A good and trustworthy servant, Estalwen Manethor always does what is for my best.  Estalwen Manethor eats only sunlight and drinks only rain, and from all the powers of nature does he take his strength.  He is mighty and dependable; he shelters all my properties under his vast wings.  He protects from fire and lightening, from violence and theft, from vandalism, arson, and all maliciousness.  He protects from breakage and from rust, from corrosion and decay.  All properties under his protection stay in good repair.  In all these things does Estalwen Manethor excel. 

With my breath, I give him life, in this, the hour of Mercury, this, the day of Jupiter.  I breath out, and now he takes flight!

Update

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long.  As some of you already know, my parents were both killed in an accident on Sunday October 21st.  They were hit by a truck full of sheep, and died instantly.  It's hard not to interpret that metaphorically.  Details here for the morbidly curious.

Things have been hard since then.  I was extremely close with both of my parents (I saw them last jut a few weeks ago at yom Kippur), but especially my mother.  My boyfriend used to tease me about how often we spoke...he used to call her "BFF Mommy", and it's true, she really was among my very best friends.  In a way, it makes it easier.  I know for so many people, when people die, there's so much guilt about "what could have been", but I don't really have any of that.  There was nothing unresolved.  I had the best parents in the world for 34 years, which is a lot more good parenting than most people get.

Some things I have learned:

1) I think I'm a polytheist now.  In an attempt to escape for a few hours, I got high with my borther and my friends after the funeral.  Turns out, I really can't do drugs recreationally.  I had a very powerful vision quest, during which many of the gods I work with, particularly Mercury, Ishtar, Tiamat/Lilith (in the vision, those are the same?), and several others showed up to tell me how much they love me, and how they're "there to help me".  The Hebrew God made a brief appearance, but then He hid His face and left.  So, fuck Him.

2) Having a pre-existing relationship with a psychopomp made this easier.  I think I understand the draw of religion now, but during none of this did I feel the impetus to worship anything.  I put Mercury dimes on my parents' eyes when we cremated them, and on more than one occasion  (particularly during aforementioned spirit journey) it has been helpful to remind myself that I paid the ferryman.

3) I'm so glad that I'd gotten back into a regular meditation practice this summer (Thanks Jason Miller!).  I'm pretty sure it's what's keeping me from totally loosing it.  I don't know how muggles deal with this sort of thing.

4) OTOH, I keep feeling a little guilty that I'm not falling apart and going mad.  My mother cried at sad movies. Hell, my mother cried at sappy Kodak commercials.  She used to always tease me about that fact that I didn't.  Probably because I'm a heartless monster.  Maybe she was right?  I mean, I am very sad, but I'm surprisingly coping.  Is that ok?

5) During the spirit journey, I climbed the Tree of Life, and made it much higher than I previously had. I made it to Tipheret with few problems, backslid some, but eventually made it to Chesed (where I've been before, but just barely). It was easier than usual...the veils were thin or whatever. I sat there for a while.  Then, I was like "fuck the abyss; I miss my Mommy", so I packed up my camel and went across.  That was brain-hurty, and I'm still processing it.  Is that the so-called "ninth gate"?  Because it was awesome and terrible and sad and joyful and confusing.  So, if anyone has some advice about that, that would be cool.

I'm going to try to get back to doing some regular working again next week, but I don't know if I'm up for it or not.  Everything seems very hard right now, and I'm tired all the time.